To make a long story short, my estranged husband is an alcoholic/drug addict who is homeless. I still keep in contact with him often and we're still on good terms. I still love him, just not his habbits. We both lost our only child (21) almost a year ago when his drinking started. Anyway, he claims to sleep next to her grave most nights or atleast when there's no guards around. This seems very morrbid to me and quite disturbing. He says he finds it comforting and sees it as a chance to spend time with her. What do I tell him? I'd really like him to stop this but not sure how to go about it
It seems that he tipped over the edge at your daughter's passing and is falling yet.
He needs help, this you know. Not a lot can be done until he realises that he needs help and that help is out there. If you wish to kick-start his recovery you could investigate what help there is for someone in his condition in your area. Whether it would be a good idea to leave information leaflets etc. at the grave-side for him to see in close conjunction with the object of his 'loss' in the hope that with word of future possibilities he may imagine support from 'the lost one' is only a guess.
There is just so much any of us strangers will ever, can ever, know about these tragic circumstances, but if you could make in-roads in gaining professional advice, who knows you yourself may gain something from it right away.
Advances are possible and things sure can improve, but first he must see some light at the end of the tunnel.
I wouldn't go so far as to say his habit of sleeping by her grave is 'morbid'.. but it's just plain sad that he is in so much grief that he does that. My heart goes out to both of you.. I can only imagine the pain of losing your daughter.
I totally agree with what Tom wrote.. and leaving leaflets might help.. it's worth a try.. but like he said he has to want to get help. He's wallowing in pure grief right now. People grieve in different ways.. but life has to go on and we have to learn to cope without them. Your husband has let alcohol try to take the pain away.. but in reality it makes it worse because it keeps him depressed.
Can you possibly offer him the couch to sleep on? Of course I don't know your situation and that might be impossible.. but a start for his recovery might be for him to get some place to live first.
Let us know how things are going..
How sad! And how awful for both of you. He needs help, but it looks like he doesn't want it. That's often the way with alcoholics. Sleeping in a graveyard isn't a habit. It sounds like he has lost what little mind the addictions left him. Let him know that you understand he is sad, but your daughter is no longer in that body that they buried. She watches over him no matter where he is, so there is no reason for him to stay on her grave.
I hope he will get help.
We all grieve differently...I for one am not a grave visitor...it is too painful for me... I would rather remember them as alive...not in the ground....but if it gives him comfort....and for some people spending time at their grave comforts them..........there is nothing wrong with him spending time there with her.Its his way of feeling close to her. You can't control him...he is a grown man... not saying thats what your doing... but people do as the wish.
I talk from experience here myself...I lost my first husband............and my first born son was he was twenty six years old.
On the second reading of what you have said the meaning screams out from the page. Sorry for the delay.
The greatest loss is yours this is absolutely true. You lost both daughter, husband and probably your own wits for a time. You express yourself admirably, this cannot be anything but a time of hell with (perhaps) worse to come as the anniversary of her passing approaches. I hope against hope that that time has not happened since you first posted this.
One year having passed this may be the right time to ask him to reconsider his actions. He may not have been there for you at the time,but who knows.
If there is a little time before that day comes around you could try to arrange something for you and he to do to mark this tragic moment of so little time ago. If he is not immediately up for it set a time-limit on his coming round to joining you and stick to it, strictly. You should not have to share your time now between your daughter and him, he is a big boy now and this must hurt you like crazy.
If he is not ready to sort himself out at this time a little encouragement from you as to the possibilities of the future might go some way to affecting a change in him soon.
Please do not miss, even if it is late in coming, do not mis please the vital part of all that I have said. You need to put yourself in the front of your mind in all things. Please do not swap your emotions of loss for your daughter for tending to him. He MUST make the first step, the final pledge and stick to it or there can be no place for him in your home.
Have you any questions? Anything to add?
Take care dear lady. I feel for you and again I am sorry I missed 'you' from what you wrote.